Trying to convince myself that I am perfectly okay is probably almost as hard as trying to convince yourself that you still loved me.

I don't mind scooping the litter anymore. I can relate with it. I feel like I am sifting around, scooping all of the shit out of my life. During the day, I am fine without you. I think about you, but I am pretty efficient at dismissing the thoughts as they come. I try to pack in as much invigorating work (physical or mental) so as to not leave any room for thoughts of you. I try my best to put on a smile, real or not, and every time someone asks me how I am doing, I want to throw a fork at their face. I admit that I am a jealous person. I am clingy, selfish and extremely jealous. I want you, all of you, and I want it to be mine. But recently (as in over the past week or so) I have imagined you with other girls. I have imagined you looking at them, flirting with them, touching them...
I am at peace. I have realized, that I actually genuinely want you to be happy. I don't need you. I have NEVER needed you. I don't need anyone. Solitude can be beautiful. I feel something I never felt when I was with you. I gave all of my love to you and left none for myself...
I am uncertain of how to feel as of right now. I am certain, however, that I love you. I am certain that I want you to be happy. I am certain that I feel a great magnitude of loss.
I ran today, and I took a new route. I want to give myself the opportunity to have different thoughts. I ran so much that I felt like my lungs were going to implode and my legs were going to fall off. I stopped, and nearly collapsed on the concrete in front of some middle-aged guys house, and he was aerating his lawn. I lay on my back legs and arms sprawled out and my head was spinning. I saw you, stars, the colorful smoke from that first dance party we went to together, the smell of paint, and watching it ooze between the bristles of the brush and sliding it across a canvas. I felt like this for a while before I came back down. I don't even know how long I was laying there. But when I got back up, I had this huge smile on my face, and started running back home.
I feel that I am past the point of going quietly insane. The neighbors must think I am mad. For once, they may be right.