The other day, my sister had an interesting proposition for me. She told me that I should write down a list of 100 things I want/expect in a man. I thought this was ridiculous, pathetic and stupid. I decided I would shorten it down to 10 things. I didn't think that there were many things I expected, but to my surprise I couldn't stop adding to my list. This was sort of fun.

In no particular order:

very attractive (and knows it)
dresses well/interestingly
confident
would dance with me, even if he says he can't dance
wants to go out and do things
drives/has a car
has nice/interesting friends who like me.
has nice/cool/supportive parents who like me a lot.
likes shopping/fashion
is a goofball
comfortable with his body
wants to be seen with me
likes to cook/thinks its sexy that I do
is an artist
isn't too proud to cry.
doesn't make me pay for everything
extremely loyal
respects me and treats me the same where ever we are
loves to cuddle.
can handle my sex drive. (not that he wants it all the time, but can put up with me wanting it a lot.)
spontaneous
great sense of humor/enjoys mine
tells me that I'm beautiful often. And means it.
honest.
makes me strive to be a better person
smells wonderful
holds me and makes me feel warm and loved.
we can talk for hours
someone who lives close enough to me so that we can see each other on a regular basis
enthusiastic about something
my age
compassionate and empathetic
loves surprises
doesn't smoke/would not approve if I did.
has a bright future
doesn't take things like religion or politics seriously.
takes pictures of/paints me [and/or] lets me paint pictures of him.

Trying to convince myself that I am perfectly okay is probably almost as hard as trying to convince yourself that you still loved me.

I don't mind scooping the litter anymore. I can relate with it. I feel like I am sifting around, scooping all of the shit out of my life. During the day, I am fine without you. I think about you, but I am pretty efficient at dismissing the thoughts as they come. I try to pack in as much invigorating work (physical or mental) so as to not leave any room for thoughts of you. I try my best to put on a smile, real or not, and every time someone asks me how I am doing, I want to throw a fork at their face. I admit that I am a jealous person. I am clingy, selfish and extremely jealous. I want you, all of you, and I want it to be mine. But recently (as in over the past week or so) I have imagined you with other girls. I have imagined you looking at them, flirting with them, touching them...
I am at peace. I have realized, that I actually genuinely want you to be happy. I don't need you. I have NEVER needed you. I don't need anyone. Solitude can be beautiful. I feel something I never felt when I was with you. I gave all of my love to you and left none for myself...
I am uncertain of how to feel as of right now. I am certain, however, that I love you. I am certain that I want you to be happy. I am certain that I feel a great magnitude of loss.
I ran today, and I took a new route. I want to give myself the opportunity to have different thoughts. I ran so much that I felt like my lungs were going to implode and my legs were going to fall off. I stopped, and nearly collapsed on the concrete in front of some middle-aged guys house, and he was aerating his lawn. I lay on my back legs and arms sprawled out and my head was spinning. I saw you, stars, the colorful smoke from that first dance party we went to together, the smell of paint, and watching it ooze between the bristles of the brush and sliding it across a canvas. I felt like this for a while before I came back down. I don't even know how long I was laying there. But when I got back up, I had this huge smile on my face, and started running back home.
I feel that I am past the point of going quietly insane. The neighbors must think I am mad. For once, they may be right.

Why Atheists Are the Opposite of Suicidal

There comes a time when every person thinks about/ accepts that someday he or she will die. Christians as well as other religious people have the luxury (I guess) of going through life with a sense of confidence that there will be an after life. As for me, I'm already terrified. I'm not scared of a place called "Hell" because as an atheist I obviously don't believe in it. Unfortunately, there is no "Heaven" either. Honestly, I wish I could still believe in something. But I can't believe something just because I want to. There will always be that knowledge in my subconscious that will remind me every once in a while, "Hey believe whatever you want. Still doesn't change the cold fact that after you die, you won't live on because your conscience along with your brain will only rot in your grave." Thats what I find unsettling. I can't seem to grasp the concept of non-existence. Its because my primitive instinct to survive prevents it.

The point of this post is to kind of release a little bit of despair I've been bottling up for a while now. It seems like no words of "comfort" seem to comfort me. No one can convert me at this point either. I just have to get through this on my own. Sucks it had to come on so suddenly. Most people accept it over a long period of time gradually. Before now I've never really even considered death. Or better yet, what happens... or doesn't happen after it. Before anyone who reads this gets confused and thinks I don't wanna live anymore, let me assure you that of course I do. More than ever. I have so much in life I want to do. So many things I wanna see, places I wanna go. (In my sort of scientific-atheist point of view) I am so grateful That I was the fastest sperm to reach the egg. That I of all of the 20,000 eggs and millions of sperm was the one unique combination to be given life. Words cannot explain how grateful and lucky I am. That I came out with no birth-defects, health issues or other problems. I was given a 9 out of 10 on the "healthy" scale or whatever by the doctors that helped deliver me. And I've been told that that is extremely good. I know it may seem silly for a young, healthy person like me to be worrying about death. But I'm pretty sure its a logical fear. How is an atheist supposed to find peace and comfort when a loved one dies? Someday when I am old and my health is fading, I will think about this once again. Probably through the viewpoint of someone who has seen and done everything they wanted to do and maybe I won't fear death anymore. Maybe I will be curious to see if I am proven wrong. See if there is an afterlife. And if not, well I won't know the difference because I won't have the conscience to wish there was.

What the Crap is Up With This?

Would you like some carbs with your carbs?


Binocular Soccer?!!

falling asleep in class....

Yesterday in Mr. Dailey's English class, he played this ridiculously long documentary about jazz. Now I don't have a problem with it, its cool and dandy and all, but an hour and a half is too much.
Well, I moved to lay down in the middle of the floor because I couldn't see from behind the projector, but I fell asleep. I guess I roll around in my sleep because I woke up 2 yards away from my initial spot, sprawled out on the floor. Mr. Dailey flicked the lights on which woke me up and people were looking at me like..."Wow, Tinsley." So I sat up and realized I had bed/sex hair (LOL).

Its hilarious to imagine me asleep, rolling around in the middle of the floor with the projector flashing different colors on the walls. Haha... yeah.

How I Met My Boyfriend

Since nothing particularly interesting happened today, I'll just resort to talking about how I met my fabulous boyfriend. 

Last year, I attended a summer session for NCSA's Visual Arts program in Winston Salem. As I was standing in line to sign up for student activities, I saw that the woman behind me had on a really pretty blouse, so I said, "Hey, I like your blouse." Then a guy about my age peered out from behind her, looking really awkward with his arms crossed, giving me "elevator eyes". The woman said, "Thanks, I like your hair!" And my mom jumps out of the blue and says "She cuts it herself!"

Then the kid behind his mom uncrosses his arms really fast, opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out. So he just folds his arms back the way they were and stares at the ceiling. I asked him what his name was, and he introduced himself as JP. He seemed ridiculously shy. (Which is ironic because he's one of the most extroverted people I know.)

That night I sat with my roommate in the dining hall. JP walks over to our table and asks me if he could sit there, because I was the only one he'd talked to so far. So I said "Yeah kid, take a seat." We made some small talk, I don't remember what about specifically, but a few seemingly small things I remember very well. At the time, he came across as a dork, and I wouldn't have pictured dating him. I thought he was attractive, had interesting features but he was just so nervous and shy. I could see his heart beat in his drink!

Suddenly something I said made him laugh and his face lit up and a grin pulled across his face revealing adorable dimples and his laugh was absolutely infectious. 

He asked me what school I went to. I told him, and he asked if I knew a guy named Jim Munger. I said well yeah, he's like my best friend at that place. He said no way, I don't believe it - that's MY best friend! We were freaking out like squealing girls standing up with our fists hitting the table in excitement. At that point I think we freaked out my roommate because she quietly slipped out to another table. But of course we didn't care, cause we already had so much to talk about. 

"So your the 'emo piece of shit' Jim mentioned who wears that My Chemical Romance jacket all the time?" 

He looked kind of embarrassed and I think he said something like "Yeah it was a phase."

We just hit it off right away, and couldn't get enough of each other. We talked constantly about anything, and every time I went to breakfast, lunch or dinner I found him there waiting for me. Something I could, and would, definitely get used to. We quickly grew infatuated with each other and spent almost every free moment walking around together finding that there were an endless amount of things to talk about. It was easy falling in love with him.

I'll add more later.

Wind, Sand and Jigsaw Puzzles.

Two feet in front of me and spread out all over the carpet are the contents of a 2 thousand piece jigsaw puzzle, approximately 46% complete, with all of the edge pieces intact and little piles of like-pieces in the center. When its done, its supposed to be a blown up picture of Times Square, with all of its random, glowing advertisements. Probably the most difficult puzzle that Wally-World has to offer. To my left, is the open sliding glass door to the balcony complete with the drapes blowing in the breeze, overlooking a wildly colorful view of Ocean Creek from the 3rd floor of the South Tower. Palm trees, swimming pools, sounds of screaming children running around in Spongebob swim trunks with their pails and shovels clattering on the pool deck, all echoing between surrounding hotels and funneling into the room. This scene coupled with my frustration with this puzzle and you have the ultimate recipe for a headache and overstimulation.

On a completely random and probably only personally significant note, I am losing my appreciation for the aesthetics of 4:00 on a sunny afternoon. It may seem beautiful and warm to some, and I guess it does for me too, but only on the outside. Still, it gives me this shallow apathetic feeling. This time of day just lacks all of the vibrancy and depth of 11 or 12 o'clock. The sunlight doesn't seem to shine through leaves or twinkle on water the way it does midmorning. Anything white starts to look yellow, and colors look withered and impure. It really is like the day itself is just dying.... Wow. I have a strange mind. How's that for a first blog?

11:30 PM

Wow... so much for the jigsaw puzzle. My sister just raked all of it into a heap in the living room floor. Ouch. There goes an entire week's worth of tedious hunting and sorting pieces. Ugh.